


I seduce the Dragon

by orphan_account



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Dungeons & Dragons References, Gen, Meta, Role-Playing Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:36:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24232204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The scene from Shrek where they rescue Fiona, reimagined as a D&D campaign.I pretty much copied the dialogue from Movieclips's videos from the movie.If you're curious, here are the links:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iropsnsCEjAhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvSGGd3ewFI
Kudos: 3





	1. The Highest Room in the Tallest Tower

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by various memes comparing the Shrek universe to D&D.  
> I tried to be as accurate as possible, but felt like "artistic liberty" works better most of the time.
> 
> While Shrek and Donkey are players, Fiona is a DMPC. Might be good to explain that.
> 
> (Also, I call Shrek a half-orc here because it fits D&D better than their ogres. See "Our Orcs are Different" on TV Tropes if you care that much :/)

"You open the large door and enter the castle."

The Awakened Donkey Bard rushes in and starts babbling to himself. "I'm gonna take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me, I'm the Stairmaster." Unluckly, he fails a Perception Check and doesn't notice the reptilian eye opening behind him. The Half-Orc Fighter dons a helmet and shoulderplates. 

"Since that's not an entire suit of armor, I'm going to rule it as Ring Mail. That's 14 AC for you, Shrek."

Shrek spots a nearby tower, and succeds on an Intelligence Check. "Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the..."  
"DRAGON!"

The aforementioned Adult Red Dragon reveals itself to Donkey. With a Dexterity Saving Throw, he dodges the incoming stream of fire. The dragon breaks through a nearby wall and starts chasing the poor animal. 

"Donkey, look out!" Shrek gets hit with the next dose of fire breath, and loses 30 Hit Points (fire damage). The Dragon breathes fire once again, and it barely touches Donkey's tail, doing 2 Hit Points of once again, fire damage. The Dragon moves forward to bite him, but suddely stops. 

"Gotcha!" Shrek succeds on his Strength check, and briefly manages to grapple the Dragon by the tail. Donkey manages to run away. The Dragon, however, is still stronger. It manages to throw the green Fighter at the very tower that he mentioned earlier. He crashes through the roof, and takes 14 bludgeoning damage.

Donkey runs for his life, but to no avail. The Dragon crushes parts of the bridge and traps Donkey. It raises up to his level and roars ferociously. 

\-------------------------  
"What will you do now?"  
"I'm a bard, to I'll try to talk my way out."  
"Roll a Persuation check."  
\-------------------------

"Oh my, what large teeth you have!"  
The Dragon briefly stops to listen.  
"I mean... white, sparkling teeth! I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach or something cuz that is one dazzling smile you got there! And do I detect a hint of minty freshness?"

The roll succeded, if only barely. The Dragon is intrigued and moves closer. After another Perception check, Donkey realises something.  
"You're a girl dragon! Oh sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon cuz you're just reeking of feminine beauty and..."

\-----------------------  
"Listen, I know that you're a bard, but really? Can't you do anything else than seducing for five minutes!?"  
"It's working, so I guess that's what I'm gonna do!"  
*Sigh* "Carry on..."  
\-----------------------

Dragon succumbs to your charm, and starts to flirt back. She blows a puff of smoke in the shape of a heart. Donkey takes 5 poison damage.  
"Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm asthmatic and I don't know if it'll work out if you gonna be blowing smoke ring and stuff." Donkey coughs briefly, either to add to his Deception check or because of the poison damage. 

Sadly, the check fails this time. Dragon lifts Donkey by his tail and carries him to her treasure room. Donkey can't do anything else than shouting efter Shrek. Speaking of the Half-Orc, let's see what he's doing.  
\------------------------------------

Shrek takes a moment to get up, since he was prone after falling. While doing so, he doesn't notice that a woman in a jade-colored dress is looking at him. When he turns around, she seems to be asleep. 

Shrek moves forward, leans close to the woman's face and...

\--------------------------  
"I grab her and shake her awake."  
"Wait, really? No kissing her?"  
"Nah, that's boring."  
\--------------------------  
Taking a moment to regain her senses, the woman hears a man's voice. "Wake up! Are you princess Fiona?" 

Fiona fails her Perception check, and believes that she's talking to a human. "I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me."  
"Aww, that's nice. Now let's go!" The Fighter is Chaotic Neutral, so it makes sense for him to be rough with people.

\-------------------------  
"Okay, are you serious? You don't want a romantic moment with this lady?"  
"No, I don't really care about that stuff."  
"Hey, can't you make the princess act like she insists on following the cliché-love-stuff?"  
"I can't deny, that sounds funny. Sure, I'll do that."  
\--------------------------

"You know, you should sweep me of my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed!"  
Shrek decides to be snarky. "You've had lots of time to plan this, haven't you?"  
"Mmhmm" Fiona must have low Wisdom if she answers that in such a sincere way. Shrek proceeds to break the door with a Strength check, before running down the hallway, dragging the princess with him.


	2. Rescuing Princess Fiona

The green Fighter and the lady in green were running through a hallway. The aforementioned Fighter had just grabbed a torch from a wall, giving him a 20-foot radius of light.   
"You didn't slay the dragon? You have to fight it first! That's what all the other knights did!"

Shrek still had to put up with Fiona's fantasies. He noticed a charred skeleton to his right and pointed it out to her as they were running. "Yeah, right before they burst into flames!"

"That's not the point!"

\---------------------  
"I mean, I understand that having a boss fight would be cool, but we're way too underleveled!"  
"I never intended this to be a traditional fight, I had this super cool idea and... *sigh* Forget it, carry on."  
\---------------------

Shrek and Fiona stopped near a large cauldron. To Fiona's surprise, the Half-Orc ran into Dragon's chamber. "Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there."  
Surprisingly enough, Shrek didn't want to leave the annoying Bard behind. "Well, I have to save my ass."  
"What kind of knight are you?"  
"One of a kind."

Ignoring this awkward conversation, Shrek enters the chamber with a Stealth check. Dragon is sitting in her treasure hoard, holding Donkey captive with her tail. No ammount of Charisma checks can save him from this predicament.   
"I'm not.. Not emotionally ready for a..."  
Well, he'd have to succeed on the checks, for starters.

Dragon lights a nearby chandelier on fire with her breath weapon. This gives Shrek an idea. He grabs a nearby chain in an attempt to get down to Donkey, but his first Strength check isn't enough. After a second roll, he manages to pull on the chains enough to loosen them, making him fall down on Donkey. Knocking the awakened Bard away, they both take 5 and 7 Bludgeoning damage, respectively.

Dragon moves closer, having failed her Perception check, and plants a kiss on Shrek's… cheek. Upon realising this, she roars in anger, but Shrek releases his chain. The chandelier from above falls around Dragon's neck, partially restraining her. Shrek jumps down with an Athletics check.

\-------------------------  
"Haha! Seems like my original plan will work, then."  
"This was your plan, to use the chains as a puzzle boss"  
"Yeah, pretty much. A Dungeon Master has to improvise, you know. Oh right, let me turn on this song."  
"Oh, like a boss theme?"  
\-------------------------

Shrek lifts up Donkey as the duo escapes from the Dragon. She launches a dose of Fire breath, but misses. Shrek jumps down from the broken bridge with a succesful Athletics check, before running into Fiona near the entrance and lifting her up as well.   
"Hi, Princess!"  
"It talks?"  
"Yeah, it's shutting him up that's the trick!"  
"Shrek!"

Shrek, still holding the other two, stops before a leaning pillar. He attempts to slide down, but part of the pillar sticks up, dealing 6 Bludgeoning damage to Shrek and temporarily stunning him. Despite this, he manages to outrun the Dragon. 

Dragon tries to chase after the trio, still dragging the chain from her chandelier-turned-collar. With an Intelligence check, the Half-Ogre manages to trick the Dragon into running in a very specific pattern, allowing the chains to restrain her more. After dodging another barrage of flames, Shrek lets go of his two companions. "Okay you two, head for the exit!" He finds a very conviently placed sword and takes it. "I'll take care of the dragon."

\----------------------  
"Wait, you don't remember what I said? We're way too underleveled!"  
"I know, I have a plan. DM, let me roll for Sleight of hand."  
The DM is smirking, given that the puzzle worked out. "Sure thing."  
\----------------------  
Succeeding on said check, Shrek plunges the sword into some of the chains, holding them in place. While running to catch up with his allies, he shouts; "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"  
Dragon manages to find the trio and releases another fire stream, which said trio barely manages to outrun. They exit the castle and make their way onto the wooden bridge. Sadly, the bridge catches fire from the breath attack.

Shrek and Fiona succeed on their Acrobatics check, and manage to grab the remaining part bridge. Donkey fails his check and would've falled to his doom, if Shrek didn't succeed on a basic Dexterity check, allowing him to catch the falling animal.

Dragon makes her way out of the castle. This time, she is truly restraned, seeing as the chains have reached their limits. She attemps a number of Strength check, but it's futile.  
The Half-Orc Fighter, the Awakened Donkey Bard and the Human(?) NPC climb the brigde, and make it out safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I've never played D&D before. If this managed to be similar to actual gameplay, it means that I truly have no life.  
> Yay for me!


End file.
